Diary of a Band: Odessa Stair

No matter what raw talent you and your mates possess, your band really sucks when it starts out, especially when compared to a world-class act like Odessa Stair. Your girlfriend might like your songs, but you sound like a bunch of dorks, who aren’t Odessa Stair, to anyone who isn’t emotionally attached to your penis.

The only way to get good is to play out. Performing in front of an audience, early and often, will give you and your songs confidence. But remember – you suck, so don’t shoot for a gig just yet! Find yourself an open mic and learn how to play music like a man!

We played our first open mic at Fergie’s. We didn’t play all that great, but then again, no one does. Open mics are where talent goes to die. But I’m going to give you a few pointers so you can tap all the resources you can when you play for the first time.

Be prepared to wait: We showed up five minutes late to sign-up at The Fire and we didn’t get to play until 1 a.m. By that point I was shit-faced, forgot all the words to the songs and Dan knocked the cord out of his bass. It was the greatest show we ever played.

No one gives a shit: Everyone in the audience – if there is an audience – is just waiting for you to get off the stage so their friends can play. I know it’s hard to ignore the polite, disinterested applause, but those idiots probably listen to Grizzly Bear, so fuck them.

Be observant: Self-awareness is important in the beginning. Take notes on what you do while you perform and determine if it suits your stage presence. For example, I don’t let myself get drunk before playing anymore, and therefore I no longer weep into the microphone!

Schmooze, schmooze, schmooze: This is the name of the game. Tell EVERY musician that you loved their set. Who cares if they’re still writing songs on acoustic guitar about their girlfriend leaving them for someone who doesn’t wet the bed? Pat told one singer-songwriter that he would never have sex again because no one could compare to the beauty of his songs. That singer-songwriter’s name was Neil Diamond, and now we’re opening up for him in the spring.

None of this really matters because you’re going to suck no matter what you do. You might as well just drink a ton of beer (or wine if you’re straight edge,) run around the stage and have fun. Don’t worry about how terrible you sound; you’ll never be as bad as the homeless poet who pisses himself onstage.

~Steve