Married To The Church

For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health I go to shows at The Church. I go when I am broke. I go when I don’t even have tickets. I go when I feel like shit. But there is nothing in those vows that says anything about enduring the ungodly sweltering hell of a church basement.

I get it. It’s punk. It’s cool. No air conditioning. Sweaty, hipster-punks moshing to Blacklisted or bopping to Passion Pit (before they got too cool and moved to the Mann Center). But sometimes I wonder if I will come out of the show alive. I think it might be a legitimate health risk to not have air conditioning in The Church. Maybe only a health risk for us elderly folks but a risk all the same.

The fact that I have yet to see someone pass out at a summer show at The Church is quite miraculous. I’ve seen fights, making out, drugs, weird dudes in weird hats and half naked girls but never heatstroke. I might be the first.

The fans, they so kindly provide, just don’t cut it. Sure, if you are lucky enough to stand directly in front of it you can catch a soft breeze but the people around you will give you dirty looks for hogging the breathable air. Otherwise, the fans just stir the oppressive air around.

Maybe I’m just not punk enough. Maybe I’m too old. But a vow is a vow, and till death do us apart. And death might just do The Church and I apart when I sweat my skin off at the next show.

The Segregation of Shit and Beauty

Why is it that corporate America is tarnishing the one precious gem I have left in my life, good music. We all have those guiltypleasures like reality T.V, top 40 songs or deep fried Oreos. But keeping them segregated from the true beauty was key. Now that key has been melted down and turned into a bullet. A bullet, which penetrates my heart and renders me limp, dead. Okay, I am being a little dramatic here but it does really piss me off when great bands agree to sell their songs to products or do a cameo on a shitty TV show.

I understand that musicians need funds in order to live and continue making music they love and we enjoy. However, there has to be a better way to do that than making Outback Steakhouse commercials. That’s right Outback Steakhouse. A few years ago Of Montreal sold a song of theirs to Outback Steakhouse. Oh just wait, it gets worse. Not only did they give it to Outback but they rerecorded it with new lyrics about Outback Steakhouse. OUCH. That is just one example of the betrayal bands I like have forced me to endure.

Here are some more examples of the most upsetting betrayals that have fallen upon me: Passion Pit’s “Sleepyhead”, my second favorite song on the album, Manners, has been used for the new Palm Smart Phone. Not so smart Passion Pit! Kings of Leon’s “Red Morning Light” is being used in a Ford commercial. What do hookers have to do with Fords? Matt and Kim’s “Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare” was used to promote the show Community, funny show though. Santogold’s “Lights Out” is used in a Bud Light commercial. Drink until you pass out? Is that the message here?

In most cases when songs are used to promote evil American capitalism, they are misinterpreted. Bands don’t often write songs with cell phones, cars, insurance and cleaning products in mind. Their lyrics are not about side effects, leather interiors and the efficiency of germ killing. The way I see it using great songs for commercials is not only bad for the band but it deprives the impoverished jingle writer of his career.

I guess if I were forced to sell out I would do it by selling a song to a product rather than doing a cameo on a show. I would not want to show my face to America as I sold my soul to the devil for cash. Now I have ranted and bitched about corporate and capitalistic America but like I said we all have our guilty pleasures and mine is Gossip Girl. The show is for me what a smooth, snow white, line of coke is for a junkie and I can’t get enough! The fact that they have used songs from Peter Bjorn and John, Ladyhawke, Little Ones, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Elliot Smith, The Virgins, The Kooks, MGMT, Cloud Cult, The Submarines, The Duke Spirit, Mates of State, The National, Cold War Kids and Anya Marina is soul crushing enough but when bands are in the plot line all hope is lost. Tokyo Police Club on Desperate Housewives? They used to be cool. No Doubt on Gossip Girl, is that really necessary?

So, if you are in a band I like, please for lil ol’ me, don’t give your songs to bleach, hairspray, alcohol and don’t appear on shitty television shows. Let me enjoy my deep fried Oreos and Gossip Girl separately from my Passion Pit.

Save Those Pennies.

You know what I hate? Besides big venues, Uggs, meat and Live Nation?  I’ll tell you what.  I hate assholes who try to sell you tickets for a show that originally cost them $12 for $30 each!  Are you crazy? No, seriously they must be missing chunks of brain matter.  I have, on many occasions, paced outside The Church like a caged lion awaiting my prey, people with extra tickets.  I have always succeeded in scoring two or sometimes three tickets at original price or even cheaper.  But there are always those greedy poachers who want more.

When Passion Pit came to The Church I knew I would get into that show one way or another.  So sister and I did our thing. We begged and pleaded for tickets.  One guy wanted to sell us two tickets for $40!  The tickets were originally ten.  Even if they had paid the dreaded service charge, it wouldn’t be anywhere near twenty bucks.  Another couple was willing to part with their beloved, extra tickets for fifteen bucks each.  Much more reasonable yes, but still not acceptable. I was not satisfied.  Just as I began to lose hope, my angel came along. Finally, some nice and economically friendly hipsters sold us two tickets for less than original price!  I wanted to give a big SUCK IT to all the money mongers and shove my cheap ticket in their faces.

I am not sure where all this hostility came from, maybe from the fact that I make less than poverty level?  Regardless, I was thrilled that I got to see Passion Pit and that the price was right.  So, a big thanks to the reasonable people out there and a big SUCK IT to the greedy ones.