Pushing and Shoving

Why You All up in my Grill?

So I realize that it’s taboo to complain about people pushing and shoving on the floor when you’re at a show. It’s like you’re just supposed to be a badass and pretend that it is not irritating as all hell. But, the truth is, a whole hell of a lot more goes on than a little pushing and shoving. In fact, I was once bitten on the arm by a young hipster-ette about half my age and twice my size. I’m not talking about a little nibble. It was an all out Jaws bite. It involved teeth marks, blood, and bruising that lasted weeks. I have been kicked in the head, spit on, punched, been put in a head-lock, taken numerous blows to the ribs and had chunks of hair pulled from my scalp. On the flip side, I once had a girl’s boyfriend ask me to stop dancing into his lovely lady because she was known to bruise easily (wah.)

So, I think it’s time to admit that we have a situation. Maybe some guidelines are necessary to help us know how much brutality is acceptable when losing ourselves to the music.

** Side note: These rules do not apply to death rock or hardcore. You’re on your own with that. Be prepared to take a couple punches straight to the face.

1.Getting to the Front.

I propose that it is always okay to push to the front, as long as nobody is stopping you. If someone is just giving you evil looks, or calling you a bitch, I say just keep on shoving. However, if someone decides they have some balls and want to guard their territory with a little shove back, good for them. Move to another area to fight for prime real estate.

2.Dancing or Whatever You Call That.

Bumping into people while dancing is okay. If you’re not okay with a few bruises go to the opera. Stepping on people when they are down, and using their face as boot cleaners, not okay. This one seems pretty obvious people.

Also, if some one in the crowd looks scared for their life, have the decency to let them get out safely before returning to your spastic interpretive dance.

3.“Hey, Down in Front!”

This one goes out to all you tall guys out there. Why must you always take residence directly in front of poor little 5-foot-3-inch me? You’re tall! You can see over me! If you’re acrophobic standing on the ground, move to the back please.

4.Hitting the Bottle

If you don’t know where your pants are, all of a sudden love everyone around you, and lost count of how many Pabsts you’ve pounded, go home! We’re all too busy worrying about when you’re going to hurl on us to enjoy the music.

5.Shower Before You Go Out

(This one might be too much to ask. I’ll move on.)

6.Crowd Surfing

It’s fun. Do it. But, there is no need to lose all control of your limbs. It’s a rush and all, but it’s not heroin. Use your muscles and stop kicking me in the nose.

Also, its a shame I even have to mention this, but a girl should be able to crowd surf with out having to worry that you’ll rip her new push-up-bra to shreds. Hands off guys! Your here for the music, not the tits.

I think that about covers the big ones. Just add a little thought and care to your pushing and shoving and we will have a happier, healthier crowd.

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